...

---

Dust plumed from under my off-white sneakers—creeping up to discolor and slightly dampen the color of the orange neon socks, which might have looked odd against my brown tanned ankle. The front door creaked. Ajar, paint-peeled, and rotting, I pushed it aside. My pupils dilated to perceive a whicker chair, an antique ice cream cooler that I used as a makeshift air conditioner, a screen-cracked television, a generator, and a half empty bottle of cheap vodka. I am a pessimist.
I yanked the chord on the generator, plugged in the ice cream cooler, opened it’s lid, set my ass upon my chair, and allowed the cold air from the cooler freeze me instead of the Fudgesicles. Home.
Contentment. There is so little of it nowadays. I am a poor man, and my possessions mean very little to me. I need nothing to live comfortably and I enjoy the fact that no one is dependent on me for anything. I haven’t spoken to a human in five years or so. But couldn’t say with certainty exactly how long it has been since my concept of time has been somewhat tainted.
I have found that all I need is within myself.
My gas station was about six-and-a-quarter miles down the gravel road. Every morning my boots crunched against the gravel.
Every morning my eyes scanned the ground for items of interest.
Every morning I breathed in the dusty, perfect air.
Every morning I arrived at my gas station at exactly 7:oo in the AM.

Purpose.

I wet my lips in the current. Mountainous, deceptive, and guiding my vessel with uninhibited valor. It wound across and down so that my eyes could Laugh without obvious grief. The goddess of the River, so riveting and tall, rose with an invitation to gaze into the wonderlust soul of an unsuspecting vagabond.
And the Grooves and Crevices in his heart sparked a fire within me.

Didier's Confession

‎"...So the thoughts and premonitions echoed and then whipped past me into the coils of humid wind. And by the time I swept into the last curve of the coast near the Sea Rock Hotel, my mind was as clear as the broad horizon clamped upon the limit of a dark and tremulous sea..."

My Breakfast Adrenaline Rush

A Reunion of China-Made Pitchforks.

Surrealistic pillow cases envelope a tango weary frame as cascades of sea rounded pebbles flow amidst easily snapped family ties.
Once upon an 8:47 pm, I claimed to be a diver--weighted soles and filtered oxygen and cosmopolitan game shows competing for sterilized feathers and pressure resistant cardigans and unannounced northern aggression.
Commentators commenting upon commentaries given on one sided jailbird blue soap boxes.
I was a selective audience, prerecorded laughter... synthesized applause spewed out of my diet pilled force grinned least favorite orifice. Spins and practiced foot movements, hands creeping incessantly toward the grooves of a wanted pat on the back and a wig-like congratulations. Dentures clack like prepackaged electrical rulers, and lace deteriorates with enlarged snowflake despair...
and the dorsal finned father-in-laws devour the fingernail chalkboard toupees in search of a shag carpet comfortable place to lay their stain glassed cherry flavored brains.

self-defense.

It's more than an occasional hazard... you run the risk of conceiving a bastard. a droll spoof of a tragedy of awkward mediocrity performed upon the plains of Serengeti.

A diminutive figure in a filthy loin cloth
Is en route to your house just to knock you off

A sad pygmy who takes small steps
Who weeps while he snuffs you
Who sits on your chest
The art of self-defense

He weeps while he snuffs you
He sits on your chest
To him you're no different from all the rest
A sad, sad, sad, sad, sad pygmy

un-tie-toald.

The wind plucked him up like a pickpocket snatching your grandfather’s silver pocket watch, and sat him down rather violently into a dungeon of deterioration. Flabby appendages inched through the thick air like the tendrils of a strangler fig—it was discombobulating. Tiny beer bubbles raced to the surface of their glasses, suffocating, reaching for the air that was just beyond the deflated pale lips that moved slowly to the rim for a taste of liquid social skills or maybe consolation. He glanced to his feet and willed them to carry his gangly frame toward the bar where he knew he could find sense and order in his otherwise befuddled mind. Draining a mug in seconds, turning and surveying the scene around him—his senses were sharper and more comprehensive than before.
It was a bar in Nevada. Somewhere near Vegas, he suspected, blaming his assumption upon the presence of enamored nicotine-stained fingers and the empty wallets of the washed-up gamblers who trickled out of that devious and dripping city—those whom were at last content with having just enough bucks to satisfy their sticky dry throats.

the ideal realm

i feel that i am gradually becoming who i am supposed to be.

Aristotle believed that there is a perfect form of everything that we perceive to be reality... we are just imperfect copies. we were an accident--god just burped us out unintentionally. He believed that we can never reach our full potential; we will never become any more perfect than we are. I disagree with this. I feel that our lives are the span of time in which we have to find ourselves--our true selves--and become in-tune with our perfect versions.

i am still pondering this.

a short tale

he had a witty brain and knock knock knock went he upon the brass-hinged door using his left fist. the wind certainly chills me, thought the man as he tucked his scarf deeper into his coat. a scuffing and scraping heard he from the opposite side of the oaken barrier, straightening his posture and bow tie he lifted his chin in a stately manner. the door creaked open and a stench of yeast and sweat met his slightly upturned nose. i am here on behalf of your dearest son, droned he, and observed the man's eye widen in surprise and hesitancy. the one who had opened the door was dressed in usual hunter's garb--woolen tights encased thin shaking legs, an unraveling brown tunic (a small metal pin in the shape of a star was attached to his breast), and a crudely-made leather cap lined with fur.

i am here on behalf of your dearest son.
what has that foul tween done? something that deters him from coming here in person...oh, it must be shameful.
shameful indeed.

you see, began this late caller, your boy has committed a most ghastly crime. in his excitement at the games he forgot himself, and proceeded to impale his opponent repeatedly, thuk thuk thuk, until the red ran freely and scarce a soul was left in the place--they fled in panic and disbelief. i, dear old man, stayed and washed your son's stained breast and dragged the limp one out for burial.
woe is me, wailed the hunter, my position is surely in jeopardy due to my own seed's impertinence. i shall have to hide myself and my frail wife, for we are surely now outcasted!
this one late-night caller drew the deepest of breathes, and stated loudly, this dispute shall be dealt with man-to-man! your own son has acted rashly, and i shall do so as well! he withdrew a rusty turkey-carver from his breast pocket and pounced upon the hunter with zest, eyes all a-gleaming and teeth exposed. the scarlet ran once again, leaving the frail old one without fingers or a tongue.

tripped on a rythmn

the forest where your legs meet
growls and hides like a werewolf on the prowl.
the grime under my fingernails begs me to caress it's hair;
run my fingers through its hide.

brain doctors

something wrong with me?
my apathy deters me from getting a medical opinion.

no title.

he flicked the spiders away
that encroached upon his quiet place.
he consistently kept them at bay
except for one brave insect which he allowed
to crawl along his knit brow
into his ears and across his thighs.
the spider found passage into his cranium
through a nostril, though he protested in vain.
then the crawler whispered in hushed tone,
'i will multiply, terrify, and birth in your bones.'
the man collapsed in agony and cursed his naivety.
'alas, i am undone!'
and he spun his hat and twittled his thumbs
and cringed as the intruder scuttled
over his veins -oh it caused him much pain.

homeless veteran

she chose battering rams,
i chose defense.
tepid functions
and ironical flight.

he always sat in the back
conscious of eyes, drilling.
the ramparts were failing
my archers, fatigued.
reactions crumbled and souls grew thin.

the beginning

i feel strange...
i run like a rat, so inject me with your potions.
a lab animal in circular motions.

i feel strange...
i am the tread wearing off your tires.
spinning out of control, you forgot the goal.

i'm the grey in your father's hair,
and the fabric that always seems to tear
when we grow to large for the costume.

decipher the antagonist....
beating flesh with a severed fist.
we're here and we're looking for you.
pews and funeral dues, veils mask the traitor.

public transportation

dump the pump
worn treads and throbbing heads...
i'm just transit junk.

see the sea
drowning lungs and cut out tongues...
i can't decide who i'm supposed to be.

leslie.

take the ones who make you feel insecure
under the stairs, beware, they are impure
so pretty in the face of their system.

in my head i plead with reason
their treason leaves us with foil blades
our empire fades and we're doomed to toil endlessly.

you sigh constantly.
i toil endlessly.
you sigh constantly.
i toil endlessly.

in unity we have become alien
unidentified fragments of inability
i foresee escape and you walk audibly.
i love quickly.
you walk audibly.

sabbah

i've been swallowing spiders,
drinking backwash and befriending liars.
and i can't help but smile
because the fog burned away.


hectic, hectic, hectic, call the medic
medic, medic, medic, medication necessities.

she's been wallowing in sheets,
saving the cows and clothing their feet.
and she can't keep a steady beat
there's larva in her brain.

practice makes murder perfect

memorize those fills, young man.
make your fingers bleed, you need to improve!
bend to make the sounds, match the tones.

content to a point of lament

throw out your chills
heat the pills, pay the bills
ive finished my books
filled all the nooks in my blood
strung my guitar and carried the trash
splashed water on my face
this isn't my place.

roots are cut

now that i've found my dress
i'll go out in style.
funeral home is a thousand miles away
but driving my Hearse to your grave is worth the pay.

we proudly present, ladies and gents
a forest and a dozer.
study your orchids
before my bulldozers are over.
splintered arms, dried up farms,
that's what our town is made for.

spots on my liver make me shiver.

booyah.

monday, monday...
thats already four shirts today.
get that baby out of your mouth!
vortex of corporate chains.
demons, the bane of my existence.
happy hour, flower power,
am i normal? of course you are.

she's at the end of the bar,
oh so far far far away,
too many half empty beers between us.

you're just like my lacrosse coach-
dedicated and sad.
there's aliens in the mailbox writing your mother,
death threats and please let's let's let's let'sssssssssss

let's go away
throw away all my thoughts that are at bay for now,
for now,
for now for now for now.

will there be enough water?

you'll love my jelly belly
i'll still smell your dying hair
peeling paint off the walls
i sometimes feel faint
and then you carry my cain to me.

the old folks home smells like death to us.
so we still do meth in the forest, come on with us.

perp

fuck lazarus, i'll raise my own friends
from the skin of your babies on the mend.
we'll eat their hair, chew them bare.
sorry momma, your child didn't give a care.

opposites attract

i'll cut your throat with a rusty blade
lop off your head with a sharpened spade.
stare into your eyes and watch you fade.

--------------------------------------------------

i'm a bit into you i must confess
we make my favorite mess
and i need the nicotine less and less

for your money love

would you like a trick?
hand picked from the writings of a monkey.
your fluids and diseases disgust me.
we didn't do it! in fact... what happened?
you know i love your mind and miniature.
if a drink disappears from me, you have a victor.

all or pure, i'll use it.

why did you not tell me?
he didn't even remember committing the crime.
who will be attending?
suspend the music.
now promise me-good afternoon.
please sign your autograph.
soar, haunted beats.
rhythm and rhyme no reason.
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

my eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is sleeping.

i want to sit in a piss-stained gutter with you; heads rolling back, throwing empty bottles at the walls.
i want to run naked in the forest with you and lay together in a field of dying flowers.
i want to survive off the Wilderness with you; sleep in a squatters paradise.
i want to shoot heroin with you and nod off on your shoulder in a grungy corner.
i want to throw bricks through a window with you and jump fences running from the cops.
i want to walk up to our van on a dirt path; look around, see pines and moss.
i want to share a can of beans with you beside our campfire because its all we can afford.
i want to feel the wind of november chilling our backs.
i want to get a bottle of cheap whiskey and toast to the harmonies we create.

our demons have possessed.

she was shaking and speaking with swords.
her body was the devil's, her mind was torn apart.
we prayed and plead, but her soul still bled over the floor.
It was haunting her... the corner was dark and she smiled.
a smirk from hell, it stung my spine up and down.

oh little sister, why did you summon them?

number 5, and we were not alone.
shut my eyes, i haven't in years...
repeat the chant, i can't take it anymore.
flames in a ring, they won't do shit.
she falls against the ground, demons all around...
gone for now, but here to stay.

dear little sister, why did you summon them?

just die enough for the two of us.

are you legal, are you addicted to needles?
are you jaded, are you still medicated?
we're animals, we're just decimals in the universe.

what makes sense? i think it's your sense of smell
that makes you remember why you're in hell.
fucking senseless, this is rediculous.

i have the world up my ass.

remember your breathing exercises
after thirty years of therapy
you'll ride on my shoulders
we'll roll on down the mississippi

let's follow the current and build a damn
god damnit, we should have taken the high ground
'we're surrounded!' i'll yell
awake for the sunrise, so sound the bell.

my ruin

the degradation of my conscious thoughts makes me question why i am so far from where i used to be. apathy seduces me without tire. the inhalation and consumption of my self-medicated alibis leave me worse off than before. i feel different, almost alien. i'm confused, lost, wretched and strangely tranquil.

ode to my friend santa clause, who wishes he was less significant.

whiskey and cookies on the mantle
the children asleep wait for st. nick
while they sleep we can drink
the tree is hung - tribute to you
and three hundred and sixty for days til I see you again
and a thousand more tears
and a thousand more tears

st. nicholas, st. nicholas, at the north pole
364 days spent all alone
take off your boots, pour a drink
try not to cry, try not to think

and you drink your eggnog and I'll drink my wine
toast the season, but just one more time
the morning is coming, the whiskey is empty
the gifts have arrived, st. nick has come and gone

and it ends like it started, the hugs and the kisses
the bullshit flows, the bullshit flows
you raise your bottle, and I'll raise my flask
toast Christmas future, and toast Christmas past
and when they're all gone, sit down in peace
wait one more year
and pour just one more drink

st. nicholas, st. nicholas, at the north pole
364 days spent all alone
take off your boots, pour a drink
try not to cry, try not to think

murder city devils.

when it comes down to it...

i was sitting in a corner smoking my last cigarette and trying to get money for some cheap vodka when she walked by, holding hands with a new fling. when our eyes met, a look of shock was apparent on her face. after all, it had been two years since i'd seen her. thoughts, words, and emotions all poured into my thoughts. i tried to say something but all that came out was a quiet, shallow 'hello'. i had spend a very long time composing the words that i would say. some were angry, some were sad, and some were kind of nice. so you can imagine i was very frusterated when she passed my by without a word. fuck, im such a coward when it comes to this. well, she looked happy. i got drunk after that. it felt good.

join the masses you lazy fuck, and suck the presidents dick.

i have realized a few things:

1. religion is only for those who are afraid of death.
2. our government is trying to play us like a giant chess game.

scribble and dittle

sleepless nights always come on the wrong days.
lights off, i'm in a daze.
from the shores of california where i spend my time...
fuck sublime, i want to be HEARD over the noisless chatter.

my former paycheck.

with half a smile and half a pair of thin soles that wouldn't last a mile.
permanent fuel lights don't give much consolation.
oh, its time to walk away.
oh, its time to collect your last pay.

she left me half deep in a box of mixed tapes she said i could keep.
so tell me 'good luck' and send me off with stray dogs and dirty socks.
these locks won't hold me here.
oh oh oh, its time to drink to remember.
oh oh oh, its almost december.
almost time to forget about gravity forever.

smoke rings and my many flings.
my faulty conscience and those pretty little things i love to hate.
dear lord, i used to be so vain.
but it took away the pain dealt by tiny little soldiers spewing from your mouth.
and every time i look around the corner, i see a former lover.

we'll fucking live forever.

so im moving. its time to get out of this god damn town.
texas may be a step down from this beautiful weather but at least its something new.

i wasn't looking for trouble... but trouble found me.

your love for me is the size of this starving town.

i started to stand on the inside.

sometimes i think about how to make you a permanent miracle.

i'm dreaming today.

god, i remember a sick little line.
big eyes and shaking head, i said...
we should be medicated.
we'll feel fine.

try it on for size

tomorrow will be the first day on medication.
we'll see what happens.

i'm ready, i am.

we held hands in san francisco.

<3

smiles

this is the song i never finished for you
it seems that these notes don't fit you anymore
like hand-me-down clothes and your father's gloves
you fit into me like a knife
and i'm finally pulling the cord on you


smile, i havent seen you in a while
please stay with me for a while
dont leave me tonight but if you have to go,
leave your scent.


christmas time always leaves with letdowns
and hangovers and me being down and out
but i think i found a solution, a remedy
she's a syringe filled with the best antidote
she's my remedy, a melody to forget you.

smile, i havent seen you in a while
please stay with me for a while
dont leave me tonight but if you have to go,
leave your scent.

there's not much room left
the previous owners left some baggage
in this run down shack, the insides are red
i was feeling black and blue today
but your heartbeat steadied mine.

the grass touched the back of my neck
and you touched the front of my heart
i don't think this playground permits the question
once i have the means i will see if you're my savior.
until then, don't you dare change a damn thing.

smile, i havent seen you in a while
please stay with me for a while
dont leave me tonight but if you have to go,
leave your scent.

i'm done.

go ahead and get a fucking restraining order. i am so fucking over this shit. ive accepted that you will always be inconsiderate assholes who only think of yourselves. well what about me? im falling apart every single fucking day because of the hell you've put me through. go fuck yourself because all i wanted was a little compassion and maybe a few seconds to talk with that person i used to love.

you can all go to hell.

FUCK. YOU.

assassinate.

look at me
use me to see
took my head
lose the life i led.









ididitagain.

i'm sorry.

the point is dull but i re-used its medication.
two lines of subtle pain.
but when you said my name, this was all for nothing.
apologies to you, my only confidant.
this relief stabs me because four lines appeared in your room.
so grace the wall once more with your substitute bottle
because these tracks will heal and so will we.

drive my car into the ocean on a wave of mutilation.

i've tried to forget last year.
it keeps blowing my mind
with bits and pieces all around.
this alcoholic summer didn't help with the fear.

this instrument holds a song
that i know i don't want to hear.
rip apart my heart.
at least i'm sure that my mind won't last long.




----------------------------------------------------------

mhm.

i wish i could have like a secret other blog that i could post stuff and people wouldnt know its me ya know?

i'm lame.

yeah i did it again. posted a mean blog and then deleted it and put this instead.

i was a beginner.

she's number four.
but its becoming a pretty shade of red.
there isn't a night where i don't color another part in.

she's sundays best.
i can't remember a better jump.
chalk drawings sometimes last forever.

slowly turning into

i didn't think it would happen again but i guess i couldnt hold my water like a seaworthy vessel because youre just putting holes in my ship.

colorado.

she moves just like i wish you did.
but i don't think i wish you were alive again.
then what would happen to my creative pen?
with nothing to write about, life is good underneath the flow.

suited man, god knows he looks away.
whatever happened to being confident?
you're just a black and white lament.
a poem that reads, "your eyes are quick and your bed thinks worse of me".

storming across her mind, i find a song.
it's carefully written yet scarcely rehearsed.
don't you dare jump, i'd like to play it first.
without a ticket home, she stands above raging whiteness.

-babyblue.

only one who got burned.

my mind broke this weekend.

i couldnt talk right, did stupid things, lost my phone, ran out of gas, couldnt think right...etc

this weekend was not very good.

some friends are being confusing.

i wish the world made sense. i'm tired of it being a huge puzzle.

ahhhhhh foncign!

i dont know i dont konw i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dknt know

ahh freakk out.....freak out freakt out freak out freak it.

what the hell am i doing

last place.

this thought is buried in cigarette ashes and cigarette butts.

but i know you would disapprove.

you're the little bird in my head that flies away

when i try to focus in on the cause.

a box holds your thoughts, a chest traps my wishes

but the treasure is that we wish we had changed.



so baby, why don't i see you around?

and baby, i know you used to come here every day.

so for a while i'll sit searching faces.

searching faces, searching faces, searching faces.

for any sign or clue.



you bring out the worst in me

but it only started when everything turned upside-down.

you still have my sweater, well i think it looks better on you.

but if you get the change, please send it back to me.

beach times, garden thrills, i should have taken the chance when it was free.

how did you grow those wings so quickly...?



so baby, why don't i see you around?

and baby, i know you used to come here every day.

so for a while i'll sit searching faces.

searching faces, searching faces, searching faces.

for any sign or clue.



regrets are pushing me, pulling at my legs.

sometimes i let them win.

i know i won with you, but i think you had a head start/

i'm way too rad for you.

excluding you.

to my real frien​ds:​

(who are proba​bly less than a fourt​h of you disgu​sting​ poser​s)​


thank​ you for carin​g about​ me. i hones​tly don'​t know why you do.​.​.​ i can be a compl​ete douch​e somet​imes witho​ut regar​d for you. but you alway​s love me the same and are there​ for me when i fail.​ (​which​ i do a lot)​.​

and i'm sorry​ for not reali​zing it.

i love you all more than you know and witho​ut you, i'd be in a much worse place.



-​kevin​lee.​

the unwanted.

i've started having dreams again. =/

it's time for a mean blog.

sorry.

or am i?

to you, the wind.

dear wind, carry me away or at least blow my mind.

it's so normal yet unpredictable.

this way seems like some kind of escape.

it's all in the way i say your name.



dear wind, i know you're often mistaken for fear.

am i the only one who knows your deepest secret?

please come now, i know you know the way.

inflate my soul.

it's all in the way i plead for rain.



so open up, chase across the sky.

my horizon is dampened with fog.

the water on my face speaks of a faithful friend.

your feet, the road, your hand cuts through the air in a malicious goodbye.



dear wind, i need you now more than ever.



dear unwanted one, am i the only one who needs your touch?



dear god, it's getting out of hand.

good god, can you still get me home?

When this thing breaks. I will be you, you will be me.
I’m afraid that this is really happening.
Let’s hope this is short lived and riddled with dizzy.

Oh, God the noise! Is ringing in my ear.
It’s so unclear. I hear them talking.
But can’t make out the words.
Speak up. Speak clear.

God, where have I been.
I’m terrible company. With zero apologies.

thank you.

good times today at farmers market.

taylor and i were pandas!





phil, ryan, jaime, taylor, paolo, i love you.

well...

well i'm sorry but your eyes dont shine that bright anymore. (you're like a crow)

and i should be afraid of the rising price i have to pay, but i don't care anymore.

strange how you used to dance... funny how i never really listened.

well i'm sorry but your voice, i forgot what it sounds like. (and i'm glad for that)

and there should be a tear or two, but i ran out of those a long time ago.

strange how you up and left... funny how i really don't care anymore.

many thanks to you, yellow bird.

you chased away the bad and kept my vast eyes safe.

unfortunate

i'm throwing away my black hoodies.

trading them for burgundy red and baby blue.

because this time, this summer, i wont have to waste my notebook paper.

because your lips are something new.

a robot.

sorry i havent posted in a while.

well, i'm sorry to say it, but i'm really not:

I'M MOVING ON.

that's right. i'm done. who know what the future will hold, but for now...

I'M MOVING ON.

it wasn't worth the pain. i don't even think you'd want to know the pain i went through.

and, im finally feeling a bit of happiness.

I'M MOVING ON.

this is myself versus being a fake.

past few days have been funn. party it uuup! haha



jamie, you're amazingg. =)


my phone call failed. but it's just what we expected, isn't it?

birds eye view.

as the years went by, he forgot about her.

extreme succession.

i must re-paint this scene.

smooth over its worn strokes with a new grace.

but this brush is heavy and my heart pulls at this undeserving canvas.

strange how one could lose their charm in such a rapid blink...

such a rapid cover up.

wheels to my death.

good weekend.

super awesome scooter riding sesh...

band practices...

breaking fences...

melting faces with our awesome hardcore powers...

yeaaaa...



my band is recording wednesday...and playing show on saturday.

comeeeee.... it's at motionz in santa maria. i'll let y'all know what time later.


<3kevinlee

my big world.

she tells herself to make believe.
act one has scarcely begun.

irony eats my extended arm.
time may have caused my now familiar absence.

but this pressure on my chest serves as a pain killer.
you're rescuing my mind with your subtle ways.

kevbot.

i'm laying in my bed watching a movie.

went to the beach today... first time in a long time. i just played guitar on the benches and begged for money. got three bucks and spent it in mcdonalds. not a bad day i guess. killed zombies on my xbox with phil for like six hours.. ethan came over and we climbed a mountain.

im so done being grounded. i miss people.

hit me up next week...i gotta make up for the summer i've wasted so far.


-kevinlee

........

a jolt, perhaps, in my rusted old shell of a heart?

time will tell.

the inferno has commenced.

so smoothe, my jacket.
rain pours on it, yet it consistently fails me.
these drops of inconsistency soak through.
i am not existent, therefore i don't believe.
i must see to believe, but my eyes are glued to the floor.
so laughable, this situation
if looked at through innocent eyes.
so smoothe, your cheeks.
my rain slides off them with the greatest of ease.

endless gore becomes reality.

well i'm in virginia. i spent three days in new york, now we're here. i saw the phantom of the opera play in new york! it was so freakin amazing. i wish i could sing like them.

its hot here. not only hot, but humid. its so gross. you step outside and feel sticky right away. its no fun.

i miss everyone at home! ive only been gone a week but it feels like longer.

-kevinlee

i don't believe this.

this is really pissing me off.

i'll do whatever the hell i want, and if you don't agree with it then shut up; i don't want your advice.

shut your hypocritical mouth.

the champion.

well i saw the counselor today. it was my first appointment so he just asked a bunch of questions everything. i'm going back next monday, and im sure it will get more hardcore. not really looking forward to it.

i'm finished with school the summer, so thats pretty rad. ive just been hanging out in the village with friends, and watching movies and sleeping in. its kinda fun.

recorded a new song today. it's like kind of brand new/manchester orchestra/sherwood. i'm liking it. ill put it on my music site soon.

i'm gonna watch a movie. goodnight.

-kevinlee

Amen.

god,

is it too much to ask for a little happiness?

plans...

i'm missing you today.



my weekend was pretty fun. strawberry festival...(the festival itself was lame but my friends there are awesome). tyler, me, phil, and jonny played hardcore music at the church...it was very br00al. i have a bunch of blisters from playing drums and a sore throat from screaming. good stuff. spent the night at phil's with paulo. watched the old narnia movie and buck rogers....haha it was hilarious. went to mcdonalds at least six times....the dollar menu is the best thing known to man.

i'm looking forward to the summer....some things i'll be doing during the summer:

-band practices every day.
-playing shows with my band.
-going to shows. (starting this saturday...As Blood Runs Black, Suicide Silence.)
-playing Oblivion.
-hanging out in the village with my homes.
-getting new friends.
-re-start a relationship. (hopefully)
ummmm ya there's more but we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

yo if you're ever bored, give me a call and lets hang out =)


-kevinlee

rollercoaster.

well guys, i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna make the call. i dont know what it will fix, but i'm willing to give it a try. i'm done. i have to try something.


my band purchased a sound system. we're going to make payments on it, because we're all really poor. but its good system, i'm stoked. i cant wait to start practices again.

i went to a show last night. See The Light was there, and they were awesome. the other bands were alright, the Linden Murder, Walking Plague, Ride From a Stranger... walking plague really sucked though. it was just noise.


also, due to my emotional ups and downs, dont take my blog too seriously. because i'll probably just change my mind about the matter the next day. =)

i love you all.

-kevinlee

i left you a message under the pier.

i went to pismo beach yesterday. i hadn't been there in a really long time. it was nice...really warm. i brought my fisheye and took some cool pictures under the pier and stuff. i didn't go surfing or anything. just walked around. i really don't surf anymore. strange, i used to enjoy it.

there have been so many good times at that beach. i found myself thinking of those times yesterday and wishing that they were now and here to stay. but things are different now, thanks to me. its just so ironic.

why didn't you want me to teach you? you know i wanted you to learn so we could enjoy (what used to be) my favorite passtime together. well that opportunity is long gone.

by the time this is over, i'll be too tattered to even attempt to re-start. and i wouldn't do that to you anyways. maybe when my life is on track we can try again.

-kevinlee

everywhere, an ocean.

well i did it. i spoke my fears. but i'm not sure if where i am as a result, is better. part of me just want the medicine that will take it away. the other part wants to recover in a different way. i don't know what to think.


it will be a long time before i'm ready for a relationship again.


my bed is an ocean without you here. i can finally spread my arms, but i drown every night.

-kevinlee

if seeing is believing, then i believe i have lost my eyes.

i'm drawing your mind, the image is not what it thought it was going to be. 

question mark.

this weekend:

spent the night at phils with ethan and paulo, went to ampm at midnight for crumble doughnuts, went to an abandoned house to break stuff. 

got a full tank of gas in my car for the first time in many many months, ate at quiznos, watched movies with my bro.

don't ask me how i'm doing anymore, because my permanent answer is "i don't know".

urp dee durp

she eats at me, she walks away...why this sudden change?

she says to me, "i don't think you see".

well if it was up to me, i think i'd like to be free for once, at least for a day.

every drop that falls, mocks me. i swear they aren't tears...

they're just instruments of yourself.

you're creating a melody upon all my faults.

drowning out the words that could save you and i... i'm drowning in your wake.

what will it take?

you're the rain, you're the rust, and i know that i must head for higher ground.

you're flooding my mind, you're overflowing my heart.

and i don't know whether to save myself or become lost in you.

i can't help it, i'm a machine set to self-destruct.

my heart breaks free.

hush little one.

i got another job. now i have two. big money. i'm working at hertz rent-a-car. i wash cars all day long. its great fun. also, the new akissforjersey album is sick. muy bien. 

i'm terribly confused. 

father, forgive me (take these lies)

for the way i feel tonight (can't look you in the eyes)

i feel as if my heart would break (don't let it break)

in two (again)

in two (its too late)

into pieces. 

i want to come home

but i'm not sure if now is the time.

an invitation printed on sheep's wool

why can't you just answer?

do you need me or not? make up your mind.

my world is gone.

this is so sickeningly ironic.

amanda-

congratulations. 

weekend.

my weekend: (what i remember of it)

friday.... i did homework until work at 12:30. i finished with that at five and went to bucks with jacob bundren and other cool people. we went to see Callista and then went to applebees. pretty fun night, although i didn't know anyone except jacob. i stayed up until about three that night.

saturday...um saturday i got up at eight and drove to orcutt for band practice. nathan and tyler couldnt make it, so we had kind of a bum practice. i went to tylers house after that with mike and we went to mcdonalds and pissed some lady off because we accidentally stole her food. it was great. then i went to work at five and worked till past nine. ryan came over after that. we spent the night watching hilarious videos on youtube. such as the tourettes guy. great fun. we were up until about three again. we got up at eight to set up chairs for a cinco de mayo celebration thing. phil and i went to get subway...annnd...went to jonny's house and hung out with jonny phil jacquie and sydney for a while. then i went home for an hour and slept for an hour then i went to work at five and i just got off at about nine. 

i'm a little tired. 

tonight was....

machines.

i got two rolls of film developed today. they came out well, for the most part. they were from my trip to new orleans. i'll put them up on my flickr account tomorrow after i scan them. 

today...was pretty much just homework and band practice and youth group. the music for youth group kinda sucked tonight. we didnt practice much and the tech was screwed up. oh well. 

lately i find myself not caring. about anything, really. things i used to get worried or sad over, just don't make me sad anymore. i'm like a machine. sure, i have my days where the emotion breaks through, but for the most part i'm a full body mask. and i don't know whats under that mask. maybe i'm afraid to look...? 

and now, some lyrics i wrote...

the clouds mark my demise as i find myself thinking about the grass. 

such a cold-hearted killers, as they bend with the wind...we bend with the thought.

a bird in flight and it's unaware of his plight

 because gravity...it's ever pulling us towards the broken stems. 

it's broken. it's gone. and i'm wondering if this was worth all the effort it took to make you believe me. 

i'm a plane flying upside down, all around. perpendicular to the horizon

and the horizon holds my dreams. 

such an abrupt change... the weeds are dry and broken, resembling my condition. 

i wrote this note to help you see...or if i'm lucky it will make you me.

the desert groans for the grass and the grass pleads for water, such a dependent state.

the desert opens for me and i'm lost in it. 

what a desirable end, you can't deny your joy.

what a dependable friend i have in your inconsistent emotion. 

<3still.

-kevin lee

I am the speaker but what is responsibility?
This is beg of you, build me brick upon brick.
High tides; waves of hypocrisy.
I didn't think the clock struck more than twelve times.
I decided to name her insomnia.
"Her teeth (show) like white seeds in a scarlet fruit"
This I must tell you, old friend: fear beauty.
This is meager, this is feeble.
She was only a fiction and my creation

-tdwp


i know you're reading this, and i'd just like to tell you that i really really miss you. i'll be patient and wait for all this to be over. and when it is, i'll be waiting. we'll pick up where we left off.

<3forever.

may fire.

oh grave, where is thy victory?

dreams.

--- I dreamed that I was playing my guitar and singing my songs in front of a bunch of people. I hadn’t seen you in two months. As I was playing, I kept gazing around the room searching for you. Finally I found you sitting in the back with a guy. I got excited and almost stopped playing, but I kept going—hoping that you’d look up at me. Eventually you did, but it was like you didn’t recognize me. I stopped playing and waved, but you just turned away and hugged the guy sitting next to you. I started crying and couldn’t play any longer.

-- I dreamed that I was at work. I was busy cleaning something when I looked up across the hall, and there you were at the end. We stared at each other for a second, and then ran to each other. But before we got to each other, I woke up. It was 3:17 am.

-- I dreamed that I was in a large city. I was lost in a large crowd, and kept searching for a familiar face. I caught a glimpse of yours, and began to head your way. But when I got to where I had seen you, you were gone. Then all of a sudden I was in my room and you were sleeping on my bed.

gravity.

home from louisiana. at least i think i am...


"above the clouds on floor thirty-four
and the mississippi winds its way through the city lights.

i dreamed last night that you had called, but your voice...
it wasn't the same as it was yesterday.

at least gravity is on my side. "

-me.


yo mutha, don't like steal the lyrics i post on here...i just realized that someone could totally steal my stuff. that wouldn't be nice...

a stick figure illustration.

it was evident. 

turning the bend

well guys...i'm back. the same old kevin doody, for the most part. i'm coming out, i'm vulnerable again. 

i just got back from san fransisco! it was sick. it was a missions trip with our youth group. the first day, we just got a tour of the city. i love it! san fran is the coolest city ever. the next day, we filled lunch bags with sandwiches, apples, candy, and water. we then went to the SROs and went door-to-door and gave them to the residence. an SRO is a Single Resident Occupancy, i think...i kinda forget. but the rooms are really small, like a little bigger than your kitchen table. we would knock on the doors, and say 'this is the City Team, we have some lunch for you!'. the first door that opened was opened by a prostitute. she hid behind the door, because she had no shirt on, and said 'thanks' and grabbed two lunch bags. upon opening most of the other doors, we were greeted with an overwhelming smell of pot and crack. when one door was opened, i saw a table with three guys around it snorting coke and rolling up joints. one old lady answered a door, and asked us to pray for her. so we did, it was awesome. after doing this, we went back to the church that we were staying at and chilled for a while. thats basically how our weekend went-- feeding the homeless, learning more about the city, and attending local church services. and on the last day, we walked across the golden gate bridge. it was sweet. ryan and i threw nickels off, and we saw them fall all the way down. it was so awesome. a little bit weird knowing that with one little jump, you could end your life. no one has ever survived a jump from that bridge. so thats basically my trip...i could go on forever, talking about the severe hopelessness and filth and death i saw. but i won't.

my car needs an oil change...i might do that today. 

and another thing... to my friends, i love you. my true friends, that is. you know who you are. there is only like two. but thats all i need. without you guys, i would...yeah. i need you guys. so thank you so much for being there.

kill

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away


that was 'kill' by jimmy eat world.

well... the past weeks have been really hard. im still recovering, so i dont really even know how i feel yet. im numb to everything.

im looking forward to christmas break. i got my license, so i'll be driving around. mostly to starbucks and the beach (i love watching the sun set). give me a call or message me or something and lets hang out. i'll most likely be needing company.

im also looking forward to my birthday, which is the day after christmas. im having a party that saturday, so that should be fun. you all are invited. let me know if you can come.

im serious about wanting to hang out with you guys. im feeling pretty lonely...

peace

-kevin lee

home...

well i'm back from camp. but i'm sick. i feel like crap. and my parents are making me do school. they wont even give me a little break. ugh...sometimes i feel like running away. but when i think about it, its not practical. i would have nowhere to go. well i have a place to go, but they would find me there very quickly. its probably the first place they'd look. =) i think i'm gonna go to sleep.

today...

well today i pretty much woke up and missed her too badly. couldn't wait any longer. so a friend and i decided to walk to where she works on the beach. which was very far away. since i can't drive (i only have my permit) we had to walk. so we left at around 10. we arrived at the beach at around 1:30, i think. i caught her on her lunch break, so we ate some mexican food. but sadly she her break was short, and she had to go back. but at least i saw her at all. that short 15 minutes was worth the long walk. so then we rode around and hung out for like 4 hours after that. then at 5, our boards and wetsuits arrived. so then we got in the water and surfed for three hours straight. the waves were amazing! the wind died down, so the waves were almost perfect. for pismo. and now i'm exhuasted.

pobs.

---kev---