this is myself versus being a fake.

past few days have been funn. party it uuup! haha



jamie, you're amazingg. =)


my phone call failed. but it's just what we expected, isn't it?

birds eye view.

as the years went by, he forgot about her.

extreme succession.

i must re-paint this scene.

smooth over its worn strokes with a new grace.

but this brush is heavy and my heart pulls at this undeserving canvas.

strange how one could lose their charm in such a rapid blink...

such a rapid cover up.

wheels to my death.

good weekend.

super awesome scooter riding sesh...

band practices...

breaking fences...

melting faces with our awesome hardcore powers...

yeaaaa...



my band is recording wednesday...and playing show on saturday.

comeeeee.... it's at motionz in santa maria. i'll let y'all know what time later.


<3kevinlee

my big world.

she tells herself to make believe.
act one has scarcely begun.

irony eats my extended arm.
time may have caused my now familiar absence.

but this pressure on my chest serves as a pain killer.
you're rescuing my mind with your subtle ways.

kevbot.

i'm laying in my bed watching a movie.

went to the beach today... first time in a long time. i just played guitar on the benches and begged for money. got three bucks and spent it in mcdonalds. not a bad day i guess. killed zombies on my xbox with phil for like six hours.. ethan came over and we climbed a mountain.

im so done being grounded. i miss people.

hit me up next week...i gotta make up for the summer i've wasted so far.


-kevinlee

........

a jolt, perhaps, in my rusted old shell of a heart?

time will tell.

the inferno has commenced.

so smoothe, my jacket.
rain pours on it, yet it consistently fails me.
these drops of inconsistency soak through.
i am not existent, therefore i don't believe.
i must see to believe, but my eyes are glued to the floor.
so laughable, this situation
if looked at through innocent eyes.
so smoothe, your cheeks.
my rain slides off them with the greatest of ease.

endless gore becomes reality.

well i'm in virginia. i spent three days in new york, now we're here. i saw the phantom of the opera play in new york! it was so freakin amazing. i wish i could sing like them.

its hot here. not only hot, but humid. its so gross. you step outside and feel sticky right away. its no fun.

i miss everyone at home! ive only been gone a week but it feels like longer.

-kevinlee

i don't believe this.

this is really pissing me off.

i'll do whatever the hell i want, and if you don't agree with it then shut up; i don't want your advice.

shut your hypocritical mouth.

the champion.

well i saw the counselor today. it was my first appointment so he just asked a bunch of questions everything. i'm going back next monday, and im sure it will get more hardcore. not really looking forward to it.

i'm finished with school the summer, so thats pretty rad. ive just been hanging out in the village with friends, and watching movies and sleeping in. its kinda fun.

recorded a new song today. it's like kind of brand new/manchester orchestra/sherwood. i'm liking it. ill put it on my music site soon.

i'm gonna watch a movie. goodnight.

-kevinlee

Amen.

god,

is it too much to ask for a little happiness?

plans...

i'm missing you today.



my weekend was pretty fun. strawberry festival...(the festival itself was lame but my friends there are awesome). tyler, me, phil, and jonny played hardcore music at the church...it was very br00al. i have a bunch of blisters from playing drums and a sore throat from screaming. good stuff. spent the night at phil's with paulo. watched the old narnia movie and buck rogers....haha it was hilarious. went to mcdonalds at least six times....the dollar menu is the best thing known to man.

i'm looking forward to the summer....some things i'll be doing during the summer:

-band practices every day.
-playing shows with my band.
-going to shows. (starting this saturday...As Blood Runs Black, Suicide Silence.)
-playing Oblivion.
-hanging out in the village with my homes.
-getting new friends.
-re-start a relationship. (hopefully)
ummmm ya there's more but we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

yo if you're ever bored, give me a call and lets hang out =)


-kevinlee

rollercoaster.

well guys, i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna make the call. i dont know what it will fix, but i'm willing to give it a try. i'm done. i have to try something.


my band purchased a sound system. we're going to make payments on it, because we're all really poor. but its good system, i'm stoked. i cant wait to start practices again.

i went to a show last night. See The Light was there, and they were awesome. the other bands were alright, the Linden Murder, Walking Plague, Ride From a Stranger... walking plague really sucked though. it was just noise.


also, due to my emotional ups and downs, dont take my blog too seriously. because i'll probably just change my mind about the matter the next day. =)

i love you all.

-kevinlee

i left you a message under the pier.

i went to pismo beach yesterday. i hadn't been there in a really long time. it was nice...really warm. i brought my fisheye and took some cool pictures under the pier and stuff. i didn't go surfing or anything. just walked around. i really don't surf anymore. strange, i used to enjoy it.

there have been so many good times at that beach. i found myself thinking of those times yesterday and wishing that they were now and here to stay. but things are different now, thanks to me. its just so ironic.

why didn't you want me to teach you? you know i wanted you to learn so we could enjoy (what used to be) my favorite passtime together. well that opportunity is long gone.

by the time this is over, i'll be too tattered to even attempt to re-start. and i wouldn't do that to you anyways. maybe when my life is on track we can try again.

-kevinlee

everywhere, an ocean.

well i did it. i spoke my fears. but i'm not sure if where i am as a result, is better. part of me just want the medicine that will take it away. the other part wants to recover in a different way. i don't know what to think.


it will be a long time before i'm ready for a relationship again.


my bed is an ocean without you here. i can finally spread my arms, but i drown every night.

-kevinlee

if seeing is believing, then i believe i have lost my eyes.

i'm drawing your mind, the image is not what it thought it was going to be. 

question mark.

this weekend:

spent the night at phils with ethan and paulo, went to ampm at midnight for crumble doughnuts, went to an abandoned house to break stuff. 

got a full tank of gas in my car for the first time in many many months, ate at quiznos, watched movies with my bro.

don't ask me how i'm doing anymore, because my permanent answer is "i don't know".

urp dee durp

she eats at me, she walks away...why this sudden change?

she says to me, "i don't think you see".

well if it was up to me, i think i'd like to be free for once, at least for a day.

every drop that falls, mocks me. i swear they aren't tears...

they're just instruments of yourself.

you're creating a melody upon all my faults.

drowning out the words that could save you and i... i'm drowning in your wake.

what will it take?

you're the rain, you're the rust, and i know that i must head for higher ground.

you're flooding my mind, you're overflowing my heart.

and i don't know whether to save myself or become lost in you.

i can't help it, i'm a machine set to self-destruct.

my heart breaks free.

hush little one.

i got another job. now i have two. big money. i'm working at hertz rent-a-car. i wash cars all day long. its great fun. also, the new akissforjersey album is sick. muy bien. 

i'm terribly confused. 

father, forgive me (take these lies)

for the way i feel tonight (can't look you in the eyes)

i feel as if my heart would break (don't let it break)

in two (again)

in two (its too late)

into pieces. 

i want to come home

but i'm not sure if now is the time.

an invitation printed on sheep's wool

why can't you just answer?

do you need me or not? make up your mind.

my world is gone.

this is so sickeningly ironic.

amanda-

congratulations. 

weekend.

my weekend: (what i remember of it)

friday.... i did homework until work at 12:30. i finished with that at five and went to bucks with jacob bundren and other cool people. we went to see Callista and then went to applebees. pretty fun night, although i didn't know anyone except jacob. i stayed up until about three that night.

saturday...um saturday i got up at eight and drove to orcutt for band practice. nathan and tyler couldnt make it, so we had kind of a bum practice. i went to tylers house after that with mike and we went to mcdonalds and pissed some lady off because we accidentally stole her food. it was great. then i went to work at five and worked till past nine. ryan came over after that. we spent the night watching hilarious videos on youtube. such as the tourettes guy. great fun. we were up until about three again. we got up at eight to set up chairs for a cinco de mayo celebration thing. phil and i went to get subway...annnd...went to jonny's house and hung out with jonny phil jacquie and sydney for a while. then i went home for an hour and slept for an hour then i went to work at five and i just got off at about nine. 

i'm a little tired. 

tonight was....

machines.

i got two rolls of film developed today. they came out well, for the most part. they were from my trip to new orleans. i'll put them up on my flickr account tomorrow after i scan them. 

today...was pretty much just homework and band practice and youth group. the music for youth group kinda sucked tonight. we didnt practice much and the tech was screwed up. oh well. 

lately i find myself not caring. about anything, really. things i used to get worried or sad over, just don't make me sad anymore. i'm like a machine. sure, i have my days where the emotion breaks through, but for the most part i'm a full body mask. and i don't know whats under that mask. maybe i'm afraid to look...? 

and now, some lyrics i wrote...

the clouds mark my demise as i find myself thinking about the grass. 

such a cold-hearted killers, as they bend with the wind...we bend with the thought.

a bird in flight and it's unaware of his plight

 because gravity...it's ever pulling us towards the broken stems. 

it's broken. it's gone. and i'm wondering if this was worth all the effort it took to make you believe me. 

i'm a plane flying upside down, all around. perpendicular to the horizon

and the horizon holds my dreams. 

such an abrupt change... the weeds are dry and broken, resembling my condition. 

i wrote this note to help you see...or if i'm lucky it will make you me.

the desert groans for the grass and the grass pleads for water, such a dependent state.

the desert opens for me and i'm lost in it. 

what a desirable end, you can't deny your joy.

what a dependable friend i have in your inconsistent emotion. 

<3still.

-kevin lee

I am the speaker but what is responsibility?
This is beg of you, build me brick upon brick.
High tides; waves of hypocrisy.
I didn't think the clock struck more than twelve times.
I decided to name her insomnia.
"Her teeth (show) like white seeds in a scarlet fruit"
This I must tell you, old friend: fear beauty.
This is meager, this is feeble.
She was only a fiction and my creation

-tdwp


i know you're reading this, and i'd just like to tell you that i really really miss you. i'll be patient and wait for all this to be over. and when it is, i'll be waiting. we'll pick up where we left off.

<3forever.

may fire.

oh grave, where is thy victory?

dreams.

--- I dreamed that I was playing my guitar and singing my songs in front of a bunch of people. I hadn’t seen you in two months. As I was playing, I kept gazing around the room searching for you. Finally I found you sitting in the back with a guy. I got excited and almost stopped playing, but I kept going—hoping that you’d look up at me. Eventually you did, but it was like you didn’t recognize me. I stopped playing and waved, but you just turned away and hugged the guy sitting next to you. I started crying and couldn’t play any longer.

-- I dreamed that I was at work. I was busy cleaning something when I looked up across the hall, and there you were at the end. We stared at each other for a second, and then ran to each other. But before we got to each other, I woke up. It was 3:17 am.

-- I dreamed that I was in a large city. I was lost in a large crowd, and kept searching for a familiar face. I caught a glimpse of yours, and began to head your way. But when I got to where I had seen you, you were gone. Then all of a sudden I was in my room and you were sleeping on my bed.

gravity.

home from louisiana. at least i think i am...


"above the clouds on floor thirty-four
and the mississippi winds its way through the city lights.

i dreamed last night that you had called, but your voice...
it wasn't the same as it was yesterday.

at least gravity is on my side. "

-me.


yo mutha, don't like steal the lyrics i post on here...i just realized that someone could totally steal my stuff. that wouldn't be nice...

a stick figure illustration.

it was evident. 

turning the bend

well guys...i'm back. the same old kevin doody, for the most part. i'm coming out, i'm vulnerable again. 

i just got back from san fransisco! it was sick. it was a missions trip with our youth group. the first day, we just got a tour of the city. i love it! san fran is the coolest city ever. the next day, we filled lunch bags with sandwiches, apples, candy, and water. we then went to the SROs and went door-to-door and gave them to the residence. an SRO is a Single Resident Occupancy, i think...i kinda forget. but the rooms are really small, like a little bigger than your kitchen table. we would knock on the doors, and say 'this is the City Team, we have some lunch for you!'. the first door that opened was opened by a prostitute. she hid behind the door, because she had no shirt on, and said 'thanks' and grabbed two lunch bags. upon opening most of the other doors, we were greeted with an overwhelming smell of pot and crack. when one door was opened, i saw a table with three guys around it snorting coke and rolling up joints. one old lady answered a door, and asked us to pray for her. so we did, it was awesome. after doing this, we went back to the church that we were staying at and chilled for a while. thats basically how our weekend went-- feeding the homeless, learning more about the city, and attending local church services. and on the last day, we walked across the golden gate bridge. it was sweet. ryan and i threw nickels off, and we saw them fall all the way down. it was so awesome. a little bit weird knowing that with one little jump, you could end your life. no one has ever survived a jump from that bridge. so thats basically my trip...i could go on forever, talking about the severe hopelessness and filth and death i saw. but i won't.

my car needs an oil change...i might do that today. 

and another thing... to my friends, i love you. my true friends, that is. you know who you are. there is only like two. but thats all i need. without you guys, i would...yeah. i need you guys. so thank you so much for being there.

kill

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away


that was 'kill' by jimmy eat world.

well... the past weeks have been really hard. im still recovering, so i dont really even know how i feel yet. im numb to everything.

im looking forward to christmas break. i got my license, so i'll be driving around. mostly to starbucks and the beach (i love watching the sun set). give me a call or message me or something and lets hang out. i'll most likely be needing company.

im also looking forward to my birthday, which is the day after christmas. im having a party that saturday, so that should be fun. you all are invited. let me know if you can come.

im serious about wanting to hang out with you guys. im feeling pretty lonely...

peace

-kevin lee

home...

well i'm back from camp. but i'm sick. i feel like crap. and my parents are making me do school. they wont even give me a little break. ugh...sometimes i feel like running away. but when i think about it, its not practical. i would have nowhere to go. well i have a place to go, but they would find me there very quickly. its probably the first place they'd look. =) i think i'm gonna go to sleep.

today...

well today i pretty much woke up and missed her too badly. couldn't wait any longer. so a friend and i decided to walk to where she works on the beach. which was very far away. since i can't drive (i only have my permit) we had to walk. so we left at around 10. we arrived at the beach at around 1:30, i think. i caught her on her lunch break, so we ate some mexican food. but sadly she her break was short, and she had to go back. but at least i saw her at all. that short 15 minutes was worth the long walk. so then we rode around and hung out for like 4 hours after that. then at 5, our boards and wetsuits arrived. so then we got in the water and surfed for three hours straight. the waves were amazing! the wind died down, so the waves were almost perfect. for pismo. and now i'm exhuasted.

pobs.

---kev---

i'm feeling.....

excited
nervous
happy
lonely
sad
hyper

strange mix of emotions, i know.

i ♥ u

???

what if the only thing that kept us alive turned its back on us?

what if the only thing that kept us hoping turned out to be a fraud?

what if everything we knew to be true, was shattered?

would we keep on living as before?

would we stay bound to our wavering truths?

or would we cut the ropes of bondage and look for something steadfast?

save me!!!!!!!!

ok so im convinced that theres a little girl with long black hair and glowing red eyes living in my attic. every night i hear scratching up there. and sometimes i think i hear walking. mandie and i were gunna go up there last week, but we chickened out...i totally think that shes just living up there. she probbly has a small, torn up bed on which she sleeps during the day. then at night she walks around the attic. and sometimes she probably comes down at stands in our hallway motionless. or sometimes she stands beside my bed and stares at my while i sleep. and i think she falls asleep under my bed sometimes, too. cause i can hear her breathing.

but, this all could be my imagination. you never know.